Jul 11 , 2018

0 Comments

Jesse Gardner

This Supplement Will Solve Literally Every Problem For Literally Everybody

Oh. I didn’t think anybody would click on that. It seemed obvious, no? The ‘Supplement’ doesn’t exist.

Why would you think that exists?

You’re definitely lazy, I can tell because you’re reading any sort of blog post, which means you’re on the internet, which means you’re not doing anything productive. Yea, I’m making you feel bad about it. Think about what you were really expecting. A ‘Supplement’ that will solve ‘Literally Every Problem’ for ‘Literally Everybody’ has absolutely ZERO chance of being scientific, articulate, or genuine. How dull are you? Seriously, did saying ‘Literally’ twice not give you any hints? This is either written by a liar or one of those idiots who say that word when they shouldn’t use that word. That’s right, the British. But that’s not us. We’re literally just here to set you straight.

There is nothing in the world that’s a miracle cure. That is a fundamental rule of health care -- please understand that before you decide to have children. If there was some fix-all supplement, you would have already known about it, dummy. You think humans are still discovering new stuff? If you still have an inkling of hope that this exists (which I know you do because, again, you’re lazy) then crush it right now. There is no hope. You got to really stop and think for a second about how you view the world. Take a moment.

 

Looking to up your snacking game? How about Better Coffee?

 

Are you with me? Cool. Listen, here at VigorPath we understand that being a healthy, productive person is incredibly hard. Why do you think we sell a whole bunch of health goods? Because Americans prefer to fix our problems with products instead of self-control and hard work. Simple idea, no? It’s nothing to be ashamed of. We’re not saying you shouldn’t work hard, but if you’re going to half-ass it, take the easier half. Make yourself feel healthier, then you can focus on getting off the couch. We believe that. Especially since you can buy those products from us, and we want to make money. Hold on, you knew that part too, right?

You do understand that we want something from you. No? Okay, *Sigh* -- Let me explain how capitalism works. Wait a second, I forgot you’re slow. Even if you did manage the attention span to read this far down, you still fell for the clickbait, so why would you understand even the basics of an entire economic and political system? It’s a complete and utter waste of time on somebody like you.

Besides, you’re going to cut and run the second we show you another ad, because you’ll be so confused at the notion of a free service having some sort of revenue stream behind it. Watch.

 

Cheese chips here! Get your cheese chips! Nice and fresh, just for you! 

Also, Hand Soap! Get your hand soap! Nothing better to clean off the cheese chips!

 

 

… Wow. Still hanging in there, aren't you? Perhaps we misjudged. We need to filter out the kind of people hanging around here, you know? Some people really do think that all their problems can be solved with four easy payments of $19.95. Sure, some problems work that way but – look, you get it already. You wouldn’t have come this far if all that ‘idiot’ stuff offended you. You probably clicked on this ironically, or at a recommendation of a friend. Or you came from Facebook, which means they have a really good understanding of your sense of humor. They have really good data, by the way. If you didn’t know that, well, no sympathy. Watch the news.

Speaking of news, what we were really going for was catching this whole “Fake News” wave that’s been going on for so long. It’s terrible for democracy, sure, but it’s great for our bottom line. What people don’t understand is how easy it is to come up with! Plus, people keep on clicking. If you’re looking for a side hustle, I seriously recommend the fake news business.

I still feel weird about this, so I’ll just spill.

About all that stuff before -- no hard feelings, right? We’re cool? Sweet, I knew you were they type of person we wanted hanging around. VigorPath only accepts those who commit, who sees things through, who finishes what they start. Everyone who left already is a pure idiot. You, though... You’re special. We like you.

We have everything you need to get on the right path. Wait, let me back up. I’m going into a sales pitch. Is that okay? Okay. You’re the boss!

Ahem -- We want you to buy some stuff. Seriously, we have a lot of good, stuff, on this website, take some time to look around. Buy our things and, you know, take it home. Consume it...

I’m sorry, this is weird. I really didn’t think anyone would get this far at all. Just, I don’t know.. Just… Man I’m blowing this. Ahh!!

 


Older Post Newer Post


Leave a comment

Please note, comments must be approved before they are published