Jul 04 , 2018

1 Comments

Jesse Gardner

That Idiot You Don’t Like Isn’t Getting Enough Magnesium

Our researchers have discovered that the person you dislike the most has a diet insufficient in Magnesium.

It’s sad, really. You should pity any sag sack that’s missing the incredible benefits of Magnesium. That pathetic loser can’t understand that a daily dose of magnesium helps fight off insomnia, which is obvious from the bag’s under his sad, sad eyes. 

Is that piece of garbage having a particularly bad day? Maybe he’s constipated. There are surely ways to tell, but it’s more fun to sit back and let him suffer while you’re sipping on a Cherry Mag Juice and taking BM breaks at your leisure. He’ll look at your healthy drink with a fervorous jealousy, not understanding that it’s magnesium that makes you an entirely more productive bathroom user.

What’s that sound? Oh, just the same coworker banging on his desk in anger. A few seconds later he’s sobbing uncontrollably. It must be serious, huh? You bite the bullet and ask what's wrong. He just lost a hundred dollars on a baseball game. What a piece of work, this guy. He’s certainly having a mood swing, another side effect of magnesium deficiency.  Don’t tell him, though. Just take a quick sip and dip.

Ah man, that lowlife is taking another day off work, huh? Calling in sick from migraines? Not you though, you savvy magnesium lover. You’re practically immune to the acute headaches plaguing the man-child you call a coworker. Sip on your Natural Calm Mag Juice™, and with the increased energy you get from good ol’ Magnesium, you can get your other coworkers together and start some inside jokes that Mr. Migraine will never understand. You’ll quickly climb the social ladder of the office, using your new influence to spread mean rumors about your magnesium-less eternal rival. In mere months you’ll have the entire office on your side, while that idiot is curled over in constipated pain while massaging his migraine ridden temples. 

His life is falling apart.

You know it. Your boss knows it. He consistently comes into work at 11, complains about his failing marriage, and has mustard stains on his shirt. All of this could have been solved with just a little magnesium. You could tell him, but you don’t. Your smile wanes as you see this shell of a man continue to wreck his life, personally and professionally.

What’s that? You’re starting to feel bad for this mindless sheep-person? That’s fair, with all these health benefits of magnesium you’re probably getting more sympathetic. Let your nice guy shine through and offer him some mag-ic serum. That line's all yours if you want it, use it as the ice breaker. That joke is so pure it will penetrate the bitter barriers between you. Send him here so he can get the best stuff from the best people, and once his package arrives he will immediately feel the benefits. After a taking a much needed bathroom break followed by a spontaneous 5k run, you two will become fast friends. You become the juice sippin power squad in the office, the elite duo with nobody in your way.

The two of you hit the town

It’s too late for his marriage anyway, he remarks. That’s cool with you, because ever since you’ve supplemented your dating life with the top performing aphrodisiac (magnesium) you’ve been approached by more women than you can handle. You decide to set him up with a physical trainer from Williamsburg, and they hit it off faster than a hipster to Upright Citizens Brigade. You wink goodbye to your new friends, knowing that with some genius serum (magnesium) he couldn’t possibly make a bad decisions.

The next day, your new friend walks into the office with exciting news. He starts talking about an amazing new supplement. It’s the best thing he’s ever tried, it’s changed his life up and down, and he wants you to try it. He takes out a small bottle labeled “Zinc” and hands you a pill.

God, that guy really sucks.

 


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1 Comments

  • 04 Jul 2018 Jesse

    Hey, Nice Post!


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