Aug 22 , 2018
Some say that 2018 is the new 60’s. There’s a higher tolerance (No pun intended) for drug use than ever, and taking advantage of the new “Drugs are cool” phase could be your ticket to popularity. There’s one problem, though. These illegal-yet-acceptable drugs are quite expensive, with some high-end coke going as high as $40,000 or more per bag. That’s the going price in our office, at least.
Now, is it worth your entire year’s salary just to get “High” and have your friends respect you? It’s hard to say. But here at VigorPath we have found an alternative to spending multiple thousands of dollars on illicit-yet-cool cocaine. PB2 Powdered Peanut Butter.
Once you buy as much as you can from our warehouse, you can use these 7 tips to pretend you’re doing awesomely trendy drugs with your friends.
1. Bleach it white
This should be the first step every time you purchase Powdered Peanut Butter. Most people are familiar with the color of real cocaine, thanks to cultural cornerstones like Scarface and literally thousands of other things.
Sadly, PB2 is not a white powder that will convince your friends that you’re brave enough to track down forbidden substances, but by just adding some household bleach, your cheap PB looks like the expensive glory that is drugs.
* Note * Please do not consume the product after adding bleach. None of this has been tested by our team since we ran out.
2. Use every opportunity to talk about it.
What’s cooler than using drugs at every opportunity? That’s right, constantly bringing it up. Your friends will no doubt drop their conversations and pay close attention to how you’re “looking forward to this new strain” and that you’re “saving this baby for the right occasion”
Make sure you constantly talk about your senior year trip to Jamaica, and how you’ll never have such a good experience again. You need to dominate the conversation, so make sure to pivot to the overwhelming poverty and mistreatment of local Caribbean populations.
Anyone who leaves or changes the conversation looks like a huge jerk. Use that as social leverage.
3. Sniffle as much as possible
If we haven’t been clear, PB2 Powdered Peanut Butter will not get you high.
That is ridiculous. To convince your friends that you’ve been insufflating copious amounts of angel dust, you must play the part of an angel dust insufflator. This can be achieved by rolling your eyes, wrinkling your nose, and sniffling five to seven times upon leaving a bathroom.
Anybody at a party that sees a sniffling person knows what’s up, and if they watch a lot of Netflix, they will instantly have this internal dialogue.
“Wait a second, they've got something in their nose. They just insufflated some angel dust! Just like in Narcos. That cool person must be as powerful as they are in the mainstream!”
4. Make an effort to talk to the weird people
Now that you’ve successfully convinced the party that you’re on drugs (read: stylish) you need to keep up appearances by talking to exclusively to the weird corner-dwelling posse that hasn’t blinked all night. The only way to enjoy this experience is to be blasted on amphetamines.
Everyone you want to impress will be in awe as you effortlessly infiltrate the introvert fortress, finding common ground and bringing people out of their shell.
Turns out their passion is posting photoshopped pictures online! That’s not too creepy! In half an hour you’re doing shots with these meme-making misanthropes and bringing a new party caucus into the mix. Thanks, PB2! You really stepped things up!
5. Say “DJ, turn it up!” once every 15 minutes
It doesn’t matter what the song is, you want it higher. Much higher. You can actually use that line, too. After screaming your volume request across the hallway, turn to the guy next to you and say “This music needs to get as high as me!” before robot dancing across the room. Throw in a few winks while you’re at it. Robot winks.
6. Allow yourself to cry, if only for a minute.
Cocaine isn’t all fun and games. Sometimes the rush of speed to your system causes you to mentally run through your miserable life with more fervor than ever before, often out loud and to a stranger. You will need to go to that place at least once if you’re to convince these people of your ‘drug use’.
Have trouble crying? No worries! Turns out PB2 Powder washed in bleach makes for a great ocular irritant. You can even take the opportunity to make it seem like you’re doing coke through your eyes, a definitive cool-guy move.
7. If you score, you can’t perform
You’ve come a long way. The ladies can take a bow, you have successfully convinced this lame-ass party that you are the cool drug chick and all will envy your bohemian energy. Take a break, maybe enjoy a PBJ with the PB2 you didn’t add poison to. Men, stick with me. You boys still have a difficult path ahead.
After following all of our previous tips, you may very well find yourself in the company of a potential mate. What are we kidding, you are definitely getting laid tonight. Since you wouldn’t jump through these hoops if you were in a happy relationship, I’ll assume that you won’t turn down this opportunity for a hookup.
But you have a lie to uphold, sir. Now is not the time to get complacent.You might be the most charming, testosterone filled, stamina-enriched stallion of a man, but real coke heads cannot get it up.
Yea, we all know how it goes. You weren’t exactly downing Viagra all night, were you? This part is a real bummer, but you need to give your special friend the most pathetic romp in the hay that has ever existed. You will fumble, apologize, overcompensate with kissing, slap them softly, do push ups, etc. After 20 minutes they’ll be begging for it to stop. That’s when you’ve made it. They’ll look at you with such admiration, understanding the emasculating display was just a side effect of a incredibly overwhelming and cool as hell addiction. Guess who everyone’s talking about now!
Everybody loves a good sexual failure, and you just put in your debut. Potential one night stands will come from miles around to witness the inadequacy in action, so make sure to replicate this night for half a year, minimum. You must not quit. This is your life now.
Chin up, kiddo! Think of all the money you’ve saved!