Jul 18 , 2018

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Jesse Gardner

Just Eat a Banana, You Dunce

You already know about Bananas. Everybody knows about bananas. When you think of fruit, “Banana” is the second word that comes into your head, and that’s only because of those uppity-ass apples starting with the letter ‘A’. Bananas aren’t news.

If you’re allergic to Bananas, I have sympathy for you. I recommend you stop reading now, cause I’m about to pop off about this phallic-phenom and you might start getting jealous. Check out This instead.

If you’re already eating bananas, great! But get over yourself a little bit, huh? I know you only clicked on this to feel superior, and that’s an unattractive quality. It doesn’t take a doctor to know how dope bananas are. You probably had good parents, or watched literally any children's show. Whatever the case, you are eating cheap fruit with obvious health benefits and you gotta stop patting yourself on the back.

For everyone else, it’s time to really understand something. If you have minor health issues, (Read: Don't poop well) or want to start exercising but don’t have the energy, just eat a stupid banana. You know I’m right. I already went over the allergy thing, so what’s your excuse? You don’t like the taste? You’re a little punk, you know that? How old are you, twelve? Feel like rebelling against the adults? Pick up a banana and eat it, you child.

And don’t you dare say anything about price, either. Seriously, they’re like a dollar at a gas station, and if you’re brave enough to step into an actual grocery store, you’ll find that they’re cheaper! Gasp! Who would have thought? You’re running out of garbage, self-punitive reasons to not eat a banana. Take a second and really think about what you’re going to come back with. I’m seriously interested.

This is what I look like right now.

I know you like your normal breakfast. Maybe you work right next to a Dunkin' Donuts, and you can’t resist your daily Bacon, Egg, and Cholesterol sandwich. I like them too, don’t get me wrong. I usually scrape off the cholesterol, though.

But don’t you want to solve, like, eight problems at the same time? Seriously, you'll be saving money, living longer, feeling better at your crap job, crapping better at your job, and 5 other things. Did I mention regularity? Fiber, baby. I’m not getting into fiber right now but it’s also something you should look into. Or, you know, just EAT A BANANA.

I probably need to relax. I haven't eaten a banana today, ironically enough. But I do have one right in front of me in case I get hungry. That’s the first step. Just get a banana and put it on your desk. Next time you get hungry, put on your big boy bib and take a bite. As the tears roll down your stupid face, just think about how much healthier you are now than you were five minutes ago. Feel the potassium work on your body, relaxing your muscles enough that you can finally pat yourself on your back. But check yourself. You’re nothing special.

 


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