Jun 27 , 2018
Have you ever wondered about an equally tasty, healthy alternative to the high-calorie crap you usually crave?!
Well, keep wondering and consider readjusting your expectations, because that fantasy is not happening anytime soon. But hey, don’t give up! I recently found a health bar that doesn’t taste like the earth, and that’s certainly saying something.
RX bars contain three main ingredients: dates, nuts, and eggs
Although that combination sounds like a lethal mix only eaten by psychopaths, they actually come together in a way that I can only classify as pleasant (assuming your expectations are in line before tasting, i.e. “this is not a cupcake”). Plus, the packaging is ~tres chic~ and the brand well-known, so you’re sure to gain a little street cred with the SoulCycle clad, Matcha-drinking crowd if you whip one out in public. Gentlemen, if you’re in the mood to troll an Upper East Side Starbucks and score a health-conscious, mildly basic woman, double fist these and blast NPR from your phone. It's foolproof, trust me.
While the outside packaging is aesthetically pleasing, I’d like to caveat that the actual bar is NOT. Imagine you took a handful of mud and made it into bar form, and then sprinkled it with a few cashew pieces and chocolate chips (depending on the flavor). It’s not the type of unpackaged bar you’d want to run into in dark alley, to say the least. Picturing it now? Perfect. Because that’s what’s hiding behind the shiny packaging. P.S. you’re welcome for the warning, because I was personally a bit shocked at first.
Let’s talk texture.
These bars are chewy as hell, in an enjoyable way that’s only slightly tiring for your jaw. I would even go so far as to say it’s fun to eat an RX bar. I will add that these bars get stuck in your teeth as you eat them in a way that could not be less attractive. Definitely not a first date snack, if you’re the kind of idiot that snacks on a first date. Unless it’s a camping trip, because in that case, these bars will work out. But the relationship will not.
As I briefly stated before, these bars contain eggs, dates, and nuts in addition to all-natural flavors. RX bars can be classified in the “no” category of health foods. You know what I’m talking about: no gluten, no soy, no added sugar, no funny stuff, no parents to tell me what to do…you get the idea. To clarify, RX bars are fun but they don’t have soy, gluten, or added sugar (except in the Maple Sea Salt flavor). They also have no preservatives or artificial coloring. Because I don’t know about you, but I am a STICKLER for no artificial coloring. Like I said to the lady from the nail salon, don’t you dare give me a fake color. If I don’t want it on my fingers, I definitely don’t want it on my finger food.
And now, I interrupt this programming for a brief encapsulation of my personal opinion on some of the flavors included in the mixed pack:
*I would like to note I have a severe bias against fruit-flavored bars, so take that as you will.
Chocolate chip: A classic. Very solid. My go-to. The chocolate chips are plentiful, and if you close your eyes and pretend you’re on a beach somewhere eating a chocolate chip cookie, you’re still not doing either of those things, but you’re also not choking down a salad, so congrats.
Apple cinnamon: Smells very strong. Pretty close to the flavor and I enjoyed it, but did leave me with a slight chemical-y aftertaste. Would eat again. But not my first choice.
Mixed berry: Ah, another fruit one! Well this one actually- Just kidding! Regret.net
Peanut butter chocolate: Actually kind of amazing. Brownie-ish, even.
Peanut butter: This one’s okay. Needs the chocolate. I ate this stacked with a Hershey bar and it was fire.
Chocolate coconut: I LOVE this flavor, it’s exactly what it sounds like. Chocolatey, coconut-y. Has thicc chocolate chips. Like, actual chocolate. Love.gov
Mint chocolate: I hate things that are mint flavored. They’re far too healthy- seeming. I’m not paying this price for a palette cleanser, you feel me? If you’re one of the weirdo’s that buy Junior Mints at the movie theater, I have nothing more to say to you.
Chocolate sea salt: RX Bar has clearly taken a cue from every healthy person’s *fav* flavor these days, and they didn’t disappoint. This flavor is pretty good, and if I was looking to hook up in Seattle I know which bar I’d bring.
In all seriousness, most protein bars these days are serving you some fake-ass, unhealthy ingredients that are likely derived from gasoline and plastic (no evidence, just a hunch.) RX bars came along and have given us something all-natural, protein-rich, and not disgusting.
Beyond not disgusting
They’re actually quite nice, and since I began chomping on an RX bar once a day I’m feeling like a lean, mean, fighting machine (and I don’t want to speak too soon but I heard a rumor Victoria’s Secret has their eye on me). So for that, I thank you RX bar. And when you are fully packaged, I will swipe right. And while I don’t know if I quite love you yet, I definitely see a future for us. But you really do look weird naked.
-- Written by Devon Hoffman
Edited by J.D Gardner