Aug 15 , 2018
Listen, boys. I know how it is. You work day in, day out in the classroom or some office. Your feet are tightly wrapped and jammed in prison-like footwear, feeling more like a sarcophagus than a shoe. Your shirt clings to your chest, the little hairs clamped down and suffocating. Speaking of hairs, why do you have pit stains? You’ve been sitting all day!
You’re built to be out in the wild, to be one with nature. Let’s try to get back to our roots, to go back in time. Farther than childhood, farther than your country of origin, I’m talking back before the agricultural revolution. Imagine this: your hair has grown long, your clothes no longer some button-up bullshit. Your armpit hair is free and breathing, each follicle screams in joy every time there is a slight breeze. You’ve become one of those men on the covers of your mom’s thick romance novels, except your beard is three feet long and your pecs are somehow bigger.
This, gentlemen, is the effect of Every Man Jack deodorant, specifically in the scent “Sandalwood.” Now, I know what you all might be thinking: “But Hanna, how can a simple deodorant stick make me feel like the macho man I know is living inside of me?” And even more importantly, “How can it make other people see him?” Well my sweaty man friends, that’s what I’m here to tell you.
Well, maybe not. I don’t exactly know how to make you revert back to caveman status, but in a hot way. That might be impossible. Yeah, yeah, I know, I got your hopes up in that opening paragraph. I had to hook you somehow! Listen, I’m sorry. I don’t have all the answers. But hey, here’s what I can do for you: I can tell you all the great benefits that Every Man Jack deodorant has to offer. It all comes at just one price--well, two, if you count the actual price you have to pay for the product. But the more important price is the one you pay to me: hope. You must write out a belief check and make it out to Hanna. As soon as it clears into my trust fund, this deodorant will make you into whatever you want to be.
If you are the type of guy who needs a little help in the masculine department, this deodorant is for you.
I am a five foot one, 115-pound girl, but I wore this deodorant for a week and was called “sir” at least four times. Imagine how people would see you, a man, if you wore it. It will not only influence how people perceive you -- the musky, nature scent will fill your own nostrils, reminding you of your unwavering machismo, granting you the confidence you need to take on each and every challenging man-day. I’m not going to lie, this deodorant smells like sweat already. But it smells like clean, healthy sweat. So eat all the junk food you want, with a quick spread of this stuff on your underarms people will think you inhale kale smoothies for a living.
Aside from using this deodorant for vanity reasons--and seriously, guys, why do you care so much about being masculine? Literally no one else cares--the Every Man Jack deodorant is also aluminum free, which not many other deodorants are. I’m not a doctor, and I’ve barely done any research, but from what I have come across, on some credible twitter pages, is that aluminum is associated with alzheimer’s disease, breast cancer (yes, you can get breast cancer too), kidney problems, and bone disorders. Now if I were you, I’d skip all that nonsense and buy this deodorant, rather than some cheap, aluminum-filled, 99cent store crap with a photo of a roided-out body builder on the front. Do you know what steroids do to your manliness? Of course you do. It’s all you think about.
Speaking of packaging, the sleek, wood-brown outer cover is just the kind of boring, bland design that men like in order to make it seem like they don’t care about anything they own (I see you). To make this product somehow even more appealing, the whole container is recyclable! You can keep pretending to care about the environment throughout the rest of your deodorant-wearing career, which I would hope lasts your whole life. Or this can be the deodorant stick you keep on your bathroom sink and only remember to put on twice a month, but hey, at least people will see it and think you have decent hygiene.
I know it’s not the most convenient thing in the world, going out of the way of your important life just to order this deodorant, but hear me out when I say this with full confidence: you won’t be disappointed. Or, maybe this article was written with little to no credibility and it completely set you up for disappointment--but you won’t know unless you order it. You won’t know whether or not it makes you feel more like a man, or if it’ll get you laid, or if it even smells like actual sandalwood. (And even I’m just assuming it does, I’ve never actually smelled a sandalwood tree. Are they even called sandalwood trees?)
But the one way you’ll be able to solve these mysteries it to take out your credit card and punch those numbers in.
And either way, it is a step further away from all those health problems I listed earlier. So, if nothing else, buy this deodorant to stay alive. And while you’re using your money to save the planet, you can feel, smell, and taste like the richest sandalwood tree around.