Nothing says clean pores than a human sacrifice on top of a pyramid. That’s the brilliant marketing brought to you by Aztec Secret, Healing Clay. I was intrigued by this top selling beauty product and its affinity for divine murder, so I decided to give it a shot and see what all the fuss is about. What followed was an incredibly strange and magical experience.
Note: This product is not for the faint of heart. You may experience some mild pain or discomfort while using this strange face mask. You have been warned.
Let’s jump right in, shall we?
1.This Aztec Healing Clay is the world’s most powerful facial.
The Secret part is that the Aztecs had the world’s worst acne. I mean, if they have the secret formula to the world’s most powerful face wash than you can bet your bottom dollar they had the biggest zits and puss-oozing blemishes this side of the first century. You’re not eating right now, are you? Hope not.
2.The Aztec Secret: Indian Healing Clay is by far the world’s scariest facial.
Trust me. I’m a facial expert with countless hours testing other facemasks. The other two facemasks don’t even come close to the level of skin gripping tightness that you feel when applying Aztec Secret to your face.
On its container, it reads, “feel your face pulsate”. I got nervous, because when I think of my face pulsating, I think of a super bad headache, like a second day of your 21st year headache. The fact that this cocky clay was bragging about having the power to make my head hurt felt a little bit like a torture film.
3.After reading the clay’s challenge (Feel Your Face Pulsate), I had to try it.
This pompous powder was like that one friend we all have - you know the type. The guy who makes up an excuse for losing ping-pong while slipping in a brag. “Ah, my arm was sore from curling 50” Or this one “Is it just me or does my paddle feel lighter than it should? Like hold it and swing it. It’s got no weight behind it. It can’t just be me.” Just your A1 douche.
I took the anger instilled in me by my childhood bully and stirred it fiercely into this powder. I was going to win this time. I was strong enough.
I can not overstate how terrified I was. I half expected the girl from the ring to emerge from the toilet.
4. You cannot apply the clay from the container directly to your face.
First, you must mix it with water or raw apple cider vinegar, just like the Aztecs, I guess. At first it did not appear as though the clay knew how to mix with the apple cider vinegar. I stirred harder, channeling the first day of 4th grade when Johnny Latchkey came in strong from his early summer puberty and ate my lunch.
Pieces of clay just crumbled up into tiny Cocoa Pebbles but with splash after splash of the vinegar, combined with a ferocious spoon attack, the mixture finally came together… and it became mud. I had a bowl of mud. And that’s when my mom walked in and told me stop bringing mud inside the house and dump it out. She was treating me like… a 4th grader. Did I stir so hard that I reversed time itself? What are those Aztecs up to?
5.It’s time to be brave
I lost all respect for myself when I started to slather the mud onto my face. The weirdest thing is that, while it looked grey in the bowl, when applied to my skin it took an olive-green color. I looked like an anemic Hulk. Wearing the mask made me feel ugly yet strong, and that’s how I personally like to feel on Mondays. My brother thought I was wearing guacamole on my face and thought it’d be funny to take a chip and dip it through my facemask before it hardened. I half expected him to vanish completely when he ate the chip, but all he did was vomit. Oh well.
6. After 10 minutes, it starts to pulse.
It felt like Tinkerbell sprinkled pixie dust on my cheeks. No facemask experience has ever made me feel something other than that feeling of a cleaned shaven face. Ten minutes later and the mask was almost entirely hardened, the pulsing evolving into a violent throb. Does this clay have superpowers? When will I be given these powers? Why is nobody talking about this clay!?
Let me be clear, the violent throbbing did not hurt. It felt like a zero gravity eight thousand dollar massage chair. One of those big suckers that grabs you by your wrist and spins you around for half an hour, yet somehow leaving you wanting more.
7. Peeling off the mask felt like I was shedding my second layer of skin.
In that moment, I knew what snakes experience when they shed their skin. It feels amazing! As my hand moved across my face, removing the newly hardened cast, I was taken on a hallucinogenic trip that transcended time and space. It changed my entire perspective on the sense of touch. It was like if you drank black licorice soda and LIKED it.
I don’t know what to believe anymore. I mean, yes, the results have been great. I plan on going through this process again soon but will prepare for it in the same way a hippie might prep for a heroic dose of Shrooms. Next time, I will bring candles, happy music, and a trip sitter. Next time, I will certainly be ready.